Voted best site on the web 2012 - This is the best site i have eva seen - random interwebz dweller.
Facebook is like a bathroom wall that everyone writes on, except, real bathroom walls are more interesting.
Driving in Brisbane
I leave work today at 4.05 , giving myself an early mark as i usually head off to fight the traffic at 4.30.
Wrong call dickwad.
I have made it halfway home when the motorway clags , three lanes of non movement. Fine. Plug in the phone and crank some tunes, wind down the window and feel Mother Nature as it is starting to rain slightly..ahhhh lovely. Nothing like listening to some heavy metal riffage whilst feeling the pitter patter of fairy rain.
The traffic has not moved for three songs..i look ahead but cannot see any carnage, no usual slow spot where the humans always rubber neck the smallest thing... OH LOOK ITS A FRIKIKIN SMALL BROWN LUMP ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD ! ..which may or may not be a pile of leaves...or a dead cat. Slow down to 5 k's an hour in the fast lane which means every other FUCKDOG will do the same and cause traffic chaos for nought. You fekken idiots. Go home and watch Master Chef or Survivor 57 and get the fuk off the motorway.
Slight jerky movements and i have almost made it to the front of the next set of lights..yes. Looking ahead i can see the fastest moving lane and o sit poised to make a dash for it..but no , just before the lights change a truck sluggishly moves into the only moving lane. You fukhead. Of course i realize the boxes of hoseclamps and chinese dinner sets are a most important part of our economy so go ahead sir and FUK SHIT UP even more. I try not to flip my shit.
The lights change and i stay in my lane as they are all fucked now anyway thanks to 'Mr i own the fukn road at 4 kilometres per hour uphill whilst listening to Garth fukn Brooks choke a microphone'. Hey.. why dont you move over a bit more and take up all three lanes you fucking road hog!.is what i would have said if he wasnt four hundred kilos and didnt smell like a four month dead horse. Its ok i don't hate all truckies..just the dumb ones :) I of course realize they hate everything else on the road besides other truckies..its a mentality thing that you have to forgive. It's not their fault that our roads are pathetically shit and getting worse every day as we build more and more suburbs feeding into the city with little thought for the existing travel chaos.
Hey we need more houses! Where are we gonna put em ..?? I know, lets find the most jammed fucked up road with no side feeders or exits ..drop a whole plastic new suburb at the end of it and add in a bunch of fucking lights! Then for shits and gigles lets charge these fuckers to drive on it..add a toll my man. Then put up signs everywhere about how we are spending all of their money on rebuilding the future of Australian roads..fuk yeh, politicians.
These fucking lights! I have moved half the length of the motorway listened to all of my music until it blurred into meaningless babble and all started sounding like Chad. Watched a guy in a commodore become enraged and flip his finger at several cars whilst dropping skids in first gear at every opportunity, it amuses me greatly and breaks the boredom.The traffic has slowed to a stop to look at several brown lumps on the side of the road and once because a car was pulled over in the break down lane. Gripping stuff. Several times i could have gladly blasted the heads off the drivers concerned and whistled merrily while doing so. I have a bad urge to piss and wonder what would happen if i got out and just tore my gear off in the middle of the traffic and started pissing on people's windows. This thought also amuses me and i laugh aloud..not rofl or roflmao just a simple lol.
Rage. I can feel it. The old couple behind me are getting on my nerves. They sit right on my rear end ..so close it's like they are my rear seat passengers, fuk you nan and pop. I seriously need to piss and they look weak enough that if i sprung out and started pissing through the drivers window i think i could get most of it in in one big spurt before they managed to wind up. But then again, he might be a Korean or Vietnam war vet and possibly also possess ninja/pirate skillz thus fucking my shit up. I sit and look at them sternly. Every time the car in front of me moves i wait until there is a four car gap before i do, someone will usually slide in that gap and i smirk as i know they think that the lane is moving faster than the other one. Wrong dickcheese..its actually exactly the same. Commodore boy has stopped dropping skids and has his arm hanging out the window with his cap on backwards, hip hop punching out of his stereo. I dont mind hip hop..but the cap makes him look like a fuckwit, i wish for a gun again.
My beard has grown to the steering wheel and i am having small hallucinatory moments.........A FUCKING ZEBRA!! no..just a chip packet in the wind. To keep myself awake i have started waving at the people who drive past me slowly and saying 'HEY.. CHAD!' (if they have a nickleback looking face) or 'HEY.. TUPAC!' (if they have their cap on backwards ) ..some wave back, some just stare straight ahead as if hearing nothing and others look furtively at me. A small child looks back out of the wagon in front and i bare my teeth and start biting the wheel then pull a screwdriver out of the glovebox and point it at him..he looks at me strangely , when i start stabbing the dash he goes white and turns around. Punk.
I beat my fists repetitively against the dash in tune with Phil Collins 'Something in the Air Tonight' whilst chanting KILL DEVIL DEATH! KILL DEVIL DEATH!
Where am i
....Here my son..
You are here with me...
wha tha fuk..who is this ?? ....
its Jesus you snottin fuktard! ..
oh ..you sounded like Chad from Nickleback, what do you want?
..i want you to repent my son..
oh that, yeh im sorry...
sorry for what my son?....
i promise never to listen to Phil Collins ever again...
good lad, enjoy your drive..
HOLY FUK ! I SEE MY EXIT ! Like the gates to a beer and drug fuelled concert i cannot wait to enter. The offramp appears before me. My beard has overgrown my lips and nose, i struggle to breath and have had to stick a straw in each nostril. My dash is a mess as i have eaten all of the padding and had a good mung at the gauges as well. My ass has long since departed my body as a feeling part of me and a line of drool runs down my chest. I look like i normally do when i wake up..but i haven't gone to sleep. The car smells like an aborted african safari as a family of possums have taken up residence in the rear wheel well. I have named them all Chad.
Day 33 ...and a bit
Home...i am home. I walk upstairs, my beard flung over my shoulder, my clothes long since rotted off , my privates covered with the tin foil from my sandwich lunch. My ass puckering as feeling kicks back in, stinging like the pain of 428 needles being poked deeply in each cheek, after being heated over a fire, and dipped in salty mustard, the expensive kind that i cannot afford after tolls.
I realize i have left my house keys at work.
My shriek scares the birds from the trees. In Alaska.
The Quadrassic era falls after the Triassic and before the Nonassic era when the earth was a clouded over molten pit of 'burnt sweet fuck all*'. ( *scientific terms will be common so keep up)
The first remains of dinosaurs of this little known time were excavated in an exciting find in an underwater cave at an undisclosed location probably called 'Roller derby sound'. The wheel bones (theres that scientific shit again) found on the bottom of the rear feet of a baby dinosaur were thought to be enlarged sex glands but after a serious scientific examination of the movie Xanadu were positively identified as an early stage of the dinosaur becoming a more mobile creature, 'Rollasaurus'. The palientoligist Vin Diesel then confirmed this and laid the matter to rest after much squabbling within the unconvinced members of the dinosaur community.
Unfortunately mother nature had not included an axle and thus all of these early revolutionary attempts were killed by their mothers as they broke free of their eggs fearing they would be disowned by the rest of nature for spawning freaks.
actual cave art..
Nature, never to be one to give up in her hunt for the ultimate killing machine threw in a few wild chromosones and one dark night a distinct rumble and a smell of fossilised fuel ensued forth from a location we know now as 'The spot where the Quadrassic started'..or The Great Red Bull Racing Desert if you want to be historically correct, which we do. The axle-less wheels had been given a complete mother nature makeover and the Quadrassic era had begun. At this time camera technology was also advanced by the landfish but then completely lost as the seas dried up because Tom Cruise never blew up the Triangle.
This fearsome beast burst forth in a cloud of dust and all other lifeforms were rendered obsolete as the 725cc killing machine tore up the desert with no care for speed limits. Its four wheels and race prepared suspension gripped everywhere and nothing was safe as it launched Mad Maxasaurus style assaults on the walking versions now know as 'pedestrianasuarus maximus tastiest'. Everyone prepared their anus.
The earliest of the Quads were too large though to survive the blistering conditions of the desert without sunblock and soon gave way to a further step up the evolutionary race grid to the mini pack Quad, the 250cc Quadasaurus.
Another actual photo.
These newer quads had evolved into a truly efficient killing machine and were in fact near human like in their appearance. Their body was covered in a colourful skin that reflected the sun and kept the Quads warm in the freezing desert nights. Unfortunately Quadasaurus's fate was sealed only months into their arrival as owing to their pea sized brains.. they had no idea how to fix flat tyres and the bike pump had not yet evolved. That and of course the Dalek invasion.
Mother nature then decided to stop being a fekkin idiot and resumed her normal course in slow evolutionary steps. And then she made the internet.
Lets define it first..
Mainstream music denotes music that is familiar and unthreatening to the masses ...
Well i'm excited.
Unluckily i am surrounded by the masses who want only familiarity and to feel unthreatened. So its bon jovi, Toto, queen, crowded house, nickleback, matchbox20, Pink etc..back to back.. all day long, every day..day in..day out. And of course the greatest new hit!! Which by the end of the week after 72 plays a day is about as new and fresh as my fifth grade undies.One of the things about this though is the inner joy i get when one of the lads hears a song that is played every day and goes ..MAN..I LOVE THIS SONG!! ...sheeesh. They are so programmed, they may not even have liked the song originally but the force feeding has them convinced this is the way music must be.
Let me unravel a typical day on the radio..
....'THIS IS (insert standard radio freq in current city) ROCKIN YOUR DIAL WITH 30 MINUTES OF NOOOON STOOOOOP HITS! (its the same stuff we play everday but mixed around a bit, even the odd 80's track we throw in is the same regurgetated song we play every other day) THE NUMBER 1 STATION IN (insert town here,followed by cheesy supposedly witty remark that is about as funny as a day in the amazon wrapped in steak) THE NEW HIT FROM ( insert three month old song that plays every day) LETS ROOOOOCK!!!! ( 30 minutes of music with 25 minutes of ads and 3 minutes of news that is normally about who is porking who in hollywood) LOVE THAT STAAAAAAATTTION!!! THERE IS NO ONE LIKE US!!! followed by two minutes of inane dribble about some funny (see amazon theory) thing that happened to them on the way to work followed by riotous laughter..repeat ad nauseam.
I stood and listened this morning to a station i used to hear at another work place in 2002 (its currently 2012, the end of the world year) and the first song i heard was Nickleback, one of Chads ( the paddle pop lion) songs from from around 2002, followed by Bon jovi..then one of the aforementioned lads i work with wandered in and was like..man..THIS IS CLASSIC ! fuk me. i had no words and just wandered away. I didnt hang around to listen to the upcoming and no doubt extremely witty and constantly hilarious early morning DJ banter ..DJs with brilliant names like Abby , Labby and Stav..really ? Can you imagine the brainstorming session behind their radio names?..phenomenal.
Speaking of Nickleback..do you know he actually sat down and studied mainstream songs to come up with a hit? Seriously, he dissected hit songs and came up with a structure, relationships, universal subjects and memorable hooks..and thus was born 'How You Remind Me'. Kudos for the thinking and following through of his theory and proving it in practice..but unkudos for constantly repeating it with every song ever since and not going out of his comfort zone musically.But he really sussed out what the sheeple wanted to listen to every day and gave it to them on a big soppy silver platter, and they jumped on it, like flies to shit..and still do.
Many a mainstream fight have i had in many many workplaces..even about Metallica..and i love their shit, but remember when the black album came out and all of sudden it was Enter Sandman radio ? Well as far as radio stations are concerned the only songs Metallica ever sang were Unforgiven , Enter Sandman and Nothing Else Matters. Their back catalogue does not exist. Metal was finally brought to radio stations which was a good thing as it had been banging at the door for years but was never let in..but now 20 odd years on and hearing Enter Sandman at least once a week ...still , and generally on THIS IS ROCKIN FRIDAY! along with the standard Van Halen JUMP ..ugh..just reinforces my belief that radio stations and their mainstream target audience is genuinely brain dead and loves repetitiveness , the guys at work prove my theory everday, one of them is actually singing along now to LMFAO, another wonder of the airwaves with at least 10 plays a week on all three mainstream stations here in Brisbane.
Another fine example of mainstream radio and its killing of songs was Gotye's song 'Someone that i used to know' , now i wasn't a big fan to start of with, too poppy and repetetive , all of the mainstream stations here picked it up and i heard it playing , on three stations AT THE SAME FUKN TIME ! wtf ? Many days i heard it three times between 6.30 am and 4 pm. Now... i don't harbour any resentment for Gotye, in fact i liked his earlier stuff years ago, but if i saw him i could quite happily punch him in the ear.Repetitively.
Is there a solution ?
Well, possibly.. one place i worked at here in Brissy, large workshop with about 60-70 guys, was a constant music battle , mainstream versing non mainstream indie/unknown/up and coming new local artist type station. Solution. after everyone went home..one of the guys went around and glued the knobs of all the radios to the indie station, problem solved :)
I recommend tarzans grip (tm) ..and lots of it, really glue that knob, dont be sparing , let it dribble all the way down inside so there is no chance that Chad and his friends will ever destroy your eeardrums ability to recognise good music, or just be happy with what the mainstream radio forcefeeds and eat it up like its Groundhog Day.
Because it is.
..a tiny bit more on mainstream
Because mainstream and the type that keep it alive bother me so much i thought..what. if. i. am. wrong ? What if mainstream is THE music ? so, off to the internetz to let it decide. First question-what does the internet think about mainstream music...
The internetz has a 97.2 % negative opinion towards MM, how does that compare to say something else like, i dunno, shit ?
Hmmm, shit stacks up more than 10 % better than MM, but will that also mean 'good shit ' or 'hey that's some whack shit bro ? ' to the internetz again...
Goats. Goats are pretty positive, only 0.2% of the internetz does not have an opinion on goats. Fuck them. Still goats are more positive than mainstream music and i don't even see one a week ?
The Holocaust..millions of dead burnt and gassed people, destroyed families and generations wiped out. People find this more positive than MM and 56.5% don't even give a fuck. It's conclusive, Mainstream Music is worse than death by pain, the standard species of goat and shit.
A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop.
He walks up to her and punches her in the face...
When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming.. "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman !!"
There isn't a lot to be said about coffee so i will sum it up fairly quickly, i don't like girly coffee ala vanilla frappes with whipped cream, or some latte la de da freakin bullshit with fake sugar and pretty little chocolate dust on top. When i want hot coffee i want some real shit..i want to feel like a fucking dirty bomb just woke up my snoozing brain and kicked it violently and abusively into a new day.
If it isnt gritty and doesnt taste like burnt dirt with a cows udder innards spilt on it or remind you of a hard day out fighting clowns armed with colt .45's in the middle of a desolate dry wind blown desert where you are so focused you can see every grain of sun smelted sand ..then it aint coffee.
Redbull and all those crap energy drinks aint got nothin on a throat searing real coffee. Give me ten red bulls and i'll show you ten dead clowns who thought they could take the crown.
You know, one time , back in the day, i actually did some research on breasts and womans bodies, what was preferred over time, basically what was hot and when.. if you come down to it.
C'mon, its a damn super interesting subject !
As i suspected it basically came down to - what was liked at one time will be again and it just goes around in a neverending boob circle. We liked fat ones, medium ones , small ones all in different times of our history. The supposedly 'preferred look' is always changing..and we all like different types.. but one of the things i have learnt with ladies is that they want more up front, regardless of how much we like what they have. Most guys however like what they have, or to be more precise, what their lady has for them .. but still , most ladies seem to want more..
I mean, let's put it in man perspective, you slingin only a .22 and old mate beside you has a .45 .. you tellin me your 100% happy ? No matter how much of a good shot that thing is , even scoped out. Sure, it might do the job, but if your packin more heat, the confidence is always going to be a notch higher when it comes time to show your credentials. Obviously that aint all there is too it, but it is certainly a big draw card.
It isn't just us ( by us i mean me, which means men ) trying to figure them out, were both doing the dance. and a lot of people ( most ) play the cards they see right in front of them, they dont look any deeper.
Explain big cleavage and its instant draw to men and i will stand corrected.
Solution : Stay away from the knife, if your man aint happy with your breast's , trade him out the door.
If your lucky you dont work in a lab rat style controlled enviroment, where every thing you do is monitored one way or another, where you have to back yourself up by saving your sent emails to prove you have done what is required off you, where 'Proactive ..not Reactive' is the slogan, where OHS meetings dominate in between mini management and staff meetings..Where monthly budgets are more important than the so called service to customers that is brandished across the company websites. (which is the only site your allowed to connect to on your IT restricted internet anyway )Where upper management is someones puppet, controlled from above and quite happily goes about their important day to day tasks , crossing their T's and dotting their I's lest word get out they have not performed as per company standards.Yes even they have an assehole to lick, just like you do every day.And they lick it merrily because that's where the money comes from.And because they are programmed to think this is the way life is meant to be.Where running out coffe and ' who used all the milk again!' is actually an issue.
Gimme a fukn break.
They expect you to lick ass as well, conform and play the game - they lick above them.. you lick theirs.Its a ladder of licking and you are at the bottom , most probably.
Then there is the three form warning and goodbye.Except thats a joke.An empty threat to keep you in line and following the company mantra.
How many times have you worked with a totally imcompetent person ..and they are either still there or have outlived good staff who have got the shits and moved on, and the company lets them , quite happily.What they want is nice conforming people who will show up at time A do required work B and leave at time C.Now surely thats a formula for a standard workplace ? Except the B stands for Boredom and Bullshit ..and licking..with a silent B.
.. once you have entered the gates,supposedly the barb wire at top is to keep criminals out..no..thats to keep you in my friend, they will tell you that ' this workplace is different, we are moving forward, we listen to you and think your views are important. We pride ourselves as proactive and solution solving, customer service is our number 1 goal. Excuse me while i sneeze.. * BOOOOSHIT! * ..( there's that B again) Most of the speeches go something like that anyway. Its a standard company line supposed to make you feel like..hey , they actually care, i'm a customer too, i want to be treated like someone gives a fuk, this place will be good for me!
Fast forward a few months and you are banging your head against the door in the dunny while bleeding from the eyes because you realised you are surrounded by monkeys who are plying a company line , everything is coming from above and there is no difference here, nothing changes , it works the way the company says and you toe the line , regardless of the glaring inefficiencies, all suggestions you have made have gone nowhere..of course they let you move a few things around , utter a few words at meetings and maybe even make some minute changes here and there just to keep your whiny ass quiet. But in general its the same, you can see the same mistakes day in and day out, you have pointed this out a hundred times ( whiner ) you have come up with ideas about how to fast track processes.But you still remain there fixing the latest fuk up , which was the same as yesterdays fuk up and the one before it..and probably made by the useless incompetent co worker they will not sack because they dont have any balls.
You try to send an email at lunch to a mate, get some contact in the real world, email denied.Dial up Cracked.com for a quick head relief..Website has been found to have malicious content..denied. But what? Didnt you just see management looking at youtube five minutes ago in between emailing his friends about the new sportscar he just brought while on his trip to the Sydney 'Business Meeting'... What you didnt even get any input? Oh yeh thats right, they threw you some tickets to some sports event you have no interest in .Happy times :) And then there was the work BBQ , hey we are shit at really giving a fuk, but here ..have a fucking sausage ! And then of course while you are trying to enjoy your scrap of food thrown to you by your ass licker who in turn is your ass lickee, they turn it into a mini meeting and exspouse figures and goals and pat everyone on the back..and you suck it up, your part of a team man ! there is no us and them, thats why you all wear the same coloured shirts guys and gals, wait up.. what..management doesnt ? Know your place.
So as you sit there in your fluoro hi vis workwear , reading the latest OH and S crap or a new company email ( oh the joy! ) on procedures and how your company is mightily pressing forward, entering your paperwork like a good little monkey should and backing up your sent items lest you be blamed for something that you had nothing to do with ( Management must have someone to blame because the procedures are in place so the sytem must work , the shit never splatters far enough to stain their uncreased clothing ... recall the first day you went for that interview , was this what you envisioned ?
Solution : Lick as much ass as you can , do everything they tell you when they tell you,believe that management thinks your different because they tell you so, do not whine, move up the ladder so you can lick bigger ass and thus put more money in your bank.Only show initiative when you know its something they will agree too and will follow the company line.Lick more ass. Enjoy the Mainstream radio station that is played daily, say..i'm on it! and be their lap dog. Praise shit incompetent workers and even recommend promotion for them ! Call all customers fuckwits behind their backs and laugh with management about it, hey they only pay your wage right ? and remember there is always someone toungeing ass just as hard as you are..so dig in and dig in good! Out tounge the competition guys and gals and pump Bon Jovi in the background !
Solution II: This guy put it better than i ever could .. Being Domesicated for Society
The eight legged landbound cousin of the waterbound Shark.
Why so many legs, and what the fuk is up with the hair ?? No need.
Not a fan.
Bring back Roman names!!
Here's ya fucking budget pal !
And congratulations for making budget this month.. Robert Persimony Johnson..doesn't really grab you by the balls does it, or give the ladies any female wood. But.. if you were named Marcus Octavius Barbatus , people would shit bricks and not give a fuk if you made budget or not, they are just happy you have let them remain breathing.
Hey Marcus ..how is the month looking dude ?..
'DO NOT ASK MARCUS OCTAVIUS BARBATUS OF SUCH SIMPLE AND MEANINGLESS THINGS YOU SLAVE WHELP!! BEGONE BEFORE I FUK YOUR FACE WITH THE MACHINE OF FAXING !! 'Simple. You don’t fuck with the Romans without getting fucked back harder. Ask Jesus. Nice cross bro. I told you about the Romans J man..they fuck your shit.
Marcus Octavius Barbatus would have a fine lady named something like Servia Luventius Volusa ..she would of course be damn fine, and clearly not called Margeret. Or Ethel. wtf ? Her name would precede her entrance into a room and dim all of the plainly named girls within , forcing them to shuffle shamefully into the darkened corners, unless they also had fine ass Roman names..except Margaret..she would wash feet and people would hang their coats of her large ears.
The great thing about Roman names is that when you joined the Empire , or more than likely were incorporated into the Empire as your city burned around you and limbs rolled down mainstreet, you could pick your own name (except Margaret the foot washer ) or flash up your own a bit so then our poor original ass licking budget chasing worker , Robert Persimony Johnson , can now become Grandis Robertus , ruler of his cubicle. It sounds a bit more like the name of a man who may have cut his way out of the womb and immediately felled a mad goat and begun eating raw meat. No-one checks in on Grandis Robertus 39 times a day to see if the budget is going ok. Grandis stares at them once and they just walk on by clutching their precious meeting minutes.
Somewhere along the way we lost the great Roman names, personally i blame the Germans..( check your history ), but regardless on whose fault it is or why , it stands that we no longer can brandish a name that strikes fear , subservience and admiration in people like the days of yore.
Marcus Octavius Barbatus, house loan with no credit checks ? Damn straight. Front row tickets to any event and first drink in the beer tent ? ..fuk yeh. Most beautiful woman swinging of his arm? without question. Ability to loot and plunder entire ciities at the drop of a helmet ?
Before breakfast .
When all of the animals are gone , i intend to eat the vegans.
This is what a guy at my work looks like everday. He never stops itching his fucking ass. Category of annoying is very high, needless to say i keep well enough of distance away from him so that i will never accidentally be in a close situation where his rectum scratching finger could even hope to touch me. Get some ass itch cream you fuk.
One of my early jobs was a grill cook at ..an unamed chain restaurant , not Maccas.. anyways.... we had an arrogant asshole of a dude in and he had one of our salad bar girls in tears. He was loud, obnoxious and had an aura of 30 metres of bad air around him, the asshole zone you did not want to enter, you know the type.
The floor girl he demeaned was one of the nicest do anything for anyone girls that you could meet, not that sort of 'do anything' and pretty resilient, but he had enough asshole power to even breach her.
So after a two hour drinking and nibbly session he finally orders his meal.. when we were past meal time.
We were just waiting for him and his group to finish up drinking so we could do the shut down and go home but being the sort of crew we were, service is the key, we often had the odd late night meal customer, so we put the cleaned grill plates back on and fired him up his steak , medium. I cooked his steak, made sure it was perfectly medium and sent it out. He complains it is overcooked and demanded another properly cooked steak in a torrent of abuse.
That was well enough. Over it. If he was an asshole because his dog had just died and he was in a mad fit of 'pain and anguish dog death caused asshole affliction' or, his car had been stolen by an Insane Clown Posse and driven over a cliff with his music collection in the boot and left with only a copy Nicklebacks greatest hits or, he had been held up by a herd of cows 1 hour ago that said unless you are complete asshole for the next 3-5 hours. we are going to cover you in rump and strand you in the desert with rump eating sand spiders that play nickleback songs from their eyes..then understandable. But no ..he was just a regular loud mouthed asshole.
We had a steak bin under the grill, well, meat bin anyway. All of the days steak, chicken fillets and fish that had either fallen on the floor or come back because they were not cooked correctly went in that bin. Of course it got emptied during the shifts but by the end of the night it was pretty full and it had random chips and a bit of salad and whatnot mixed in.
I was not cooking this guy another fresh steak.
I selected the best looking rarest steak from somewhere near the bottom, gave it a hit with the dishwasher crews flexi hose, warmed her up on the grill and sent it out medium rare.
Everyone enjoyed every piece he shoveled into his asshole mouth. So did he.
Thus the Maccas principle :
Do not be an asshole at the drive through window, and you don't get spit on your food.
Of course sometimes, someone will do something nasty with your food regardless of how nice you are, assholes take many forms, but as long as you are not the asshole, then you lower your chance of food spit to more than acceptable level.
I just had possibly one of the biggest shits known to mankind, and yeh.. thats a pretty big claim right there. I'm sure if you went back through history and hung around at various bog squatting spots you would no doubt find some extraordinarily sized lumps of man waste being consumed by hundreds of shit crazed flies. I mean..those Neanderthal fuks were eating lumps of huge fuk off mammoth, unchewed owing to the severe lack of dentistry in those dark times and thus no teeth at an early age and then, washing it down with sabre tooth guts and possibly polishing and keeping their larger turds as some sort of fukn man symbol! In some wacky religions the shit is kept as a measure of power..Fear thee ..Here cometh the mightiest of the turd passers! So, on reflection i will put mine in the top 100 at least. Its a fair call.
What brought this on i hear you wondering...
Something as simple as the all meat Pizza Capers pizza plus more meat with the bonus option of even more meat. Hollandaise sauce on top to add some colour to this animal infested many slices of roundness. So i snacked into this bad boy and by piece two i was rather full..surprisingly. It felt like i just ate two dogs with a side order of cow, a pig , a small unknown furless marsupial and possibly a breasted pidgeon. I managed to stuff one more piece in before confirming i was fuller than a bulimic at an all you can eat buffet and then swished down some blood orange fizzy juice..bad choice as i hate blood oranges so why the fuk would i like it in liquid form??
That night i slept like a dead wildebeest.
The next morning i made it past my standard number two toilet call time and thought nothing of it. At smoko i ate one more piece of meat with meat on meat pizza that i had wrapped in meat and brought to work. Finally just before lunch the gut kicked in with the old..dude..shit outbound message..five minute warning to launch. I dismissed the feeling and continued in my exciting paper entering task until i felt the drop, man..that felt big . So starting to feel uncomfortable but trying to hold off having to enter the ‘Urinal of a Thousand Cocks ‘ before lunch, yes , it really does smell that bad, i waited a few more minutes.
I started sweating and realised i was clenching my ass and really needed to go or this bad boy was just going to roll out whether i wanted it to or not..and fucked if i was going to clean up the mess when it hit the floor plus, none of these other lazy idiots here would even notice there was a turd on the floor that needed cleaning . "Oh look..was that here last month ? I didn't realise, i was listening to Chad" So i entered the Urinal of a Thousand Cocks , made sure i had dunny paper, sprayed and wiped the seat of 500 skid marks and proceeded about my business. Barely a minute ago this soon to be ass demon was ready to run out of my ass like a fukn torpedo from a nazi submarine hellbent on the destruction of women and children and now it is playing hide and seek. WTF. So i played the game and pretended to look at the wall as if i was just there for a rest or possibly some nap time. Then it started to move..
...slowly at first..you know how when you have a shit and you feel the stretch factor on those bigger ones as it gets to the middle ? and then it passes and you go like ..thank fuk..for a moment there that was getting scary..well this kept on stretching..it got to a point where i thought i may have to name it, surely i was going to be the first male to give birth to a fucking mini human... from my ass ! Just when i thought i was going to have to spread my legs and lean back like sheilas do in the birth ward..it passed..not snapped off , just passed the massive thick part...i wiped some sweat of my face and stopped worrying about ass rippage and started grabbing for some paper .. the tail of this conquered beast was a mere second away..but no..incredulously..it started to thicken again..i braced against the side wall and felt my eyes widen in disbelief and horror..wtf was this ? This demon spawn shit..straight from the murky depths of a terrible brown soaked hell..and in the dunny of a thousand cocks it was venting on me. So i pushed this fucker and accepted the stretching of the ass, anything to get it the beast out and into the waiting depths below. Then it slowed..not thinned out..just slowed. If i pushed any harder i was going to pop a nostril or at least an eyebrow. I could feel the blood behind my eyes pulsing, my heartbeat thumping ..then i tucked my head down between my legs and grabbed my ass cheeks on either side and separated my crack as much as i could..that manuever finished the demon..sliiiiiiiiide ...and as a last goodbye it grimly hung on at its tail bit..i shook my ass to release its hold, it snapped and plunged deep, splashing my ass.. sounding like a besa brick being thrown in a pool ..i quickly looked in the bowl but just caught a glimpse of a brown shadow as it launched up the s bend and out of view.. heading for its natural habitat..the sewer, where it would no doubt reign supreme.
I wiped, suprisingly, not a mark..a phantom monster turd. The rarest of them all , the Monster Phantom. I sat for a moment and gathered myself before attempting to stand , all in all i felt ok..but even now a few hours later my ass is still a bit tender and weird, sort of like they have grafted someone elses ass on my body. One that keeps puckering. I was thinking of ringing Pizza Capers and asking if they had camel on their meat with meat and double meat more pizza ..coz that fucker had two humps on the way out.
Heartily recommend the pizza though, not bad at all :)
btw , the above meat pizza shot is not the correct pizza, the actual pizza would shame it into hiding for its lack of meat.
Feb 15 2012. A date that will live in infamy.
Urban camofluage skillz
After a recent trip to the interent , that's me in the second row on the left in the above pic, i discovered Urban Camo lifeskillZ. Instead of going too much into the whole secret program i will just show you a series of pictures of me and how it has changed my life.
The one above is our awards ceremony at Urban Camo LifeskillZ, the student shown in the picture was the only one who failed...miserably. I am front center.
The one above is me at work.
Above is me at the beach
Trying out my new found skillZ by sneaking on a kids ride..i am in the red chair just behind the guy in the green shirt.
An afternoon i spent mixing urban abseiling with urban camo lifeskillZ
Filling in for a mate (security) at a fine arts museum
Me at party that got a bit off tap.